Today I learnt of the death of the actor Robin Williams, he took his own life. He suffered from bipolar brought on by drugs and drink. This has shocked me to the core. Very sad, so sad indeed
After having most of the day to get this into the real area of my mind I had gone of to meet my neighbour's lady love Lou. nice woman.
Then I returned to my house and tried to settle.

Now at 12 21 am, I am watching a Four corners programme on child abuse with in the church of Catholics.
I have also been keeping a close watch on other people's that have pursued their abusers to court and getting it into the media for the public to know of the horror they had been through and the effects on their lives.
Well I too have a case that could very well be put out there to get my brother Simon to come to grips with what he has done to me and four other of my siblings and I could really get it happening and expose him to everyone he has ever known, and finally get to understand why we don't hear from his daughter Rachael. I would very much like to know what she remembers from her past with her father.
Of course this will open up many old wounds within the family but I've done that before and everytime I have I had been shut out from the family and told to shut up. Lost count of how many times I've been thrown away. My last effort had caused so much turmoil that I haven't seen the family in total for 8 years now. well since the death of my father which  is what... 6 years this year. Harlan was not very old when he pasted away and Harlan is 6 this year.
The effects of the abuse I had received from Simon, my mother my brother and my sisters varies. Two of my sisters have tried very hard to help me over the years and one of my brother has been so much help he will always be in my heart and will never be forgotten.
I didn't have a very good way of handling the boy issue in my life, even today with Alan I find it going from hard to oh so easy back to hard. Dealing with my son's is always a hard one for I say things that unnerves them from time to time. I did horror things to my Selena and Chris in the beginning but tried to get it right but found that I was off in some fairy land most of the time and didn't quite get it right. I didn't know about the effects of child abuse, nor how far it gets into the mind. With Joe I had tried to be a better person and was on hard anti-psychotic drugs to stop me from going into la la mode and making stupid decisions. Not that it help there either, also I had to deal with my past at the same time so it was more than likely the hardest part of my life. 

Simon sexually abuse me. made me touch his dick and suck it. I remember his smell and most of the time would go off into some dream world that I wouldn't come out of for ;quite a while. night time was worse.
The same with two other brothers R stopped, but AR didn't stop until I was 11. My sisters Joyce and Jane always had nasty things to say about me and teased me recklessly about the way I walked talked. Had bigger boobs than them at a such a young age and they where teenagers. Joyce once bashed the daylights out of me for an act she caught me and my brother Robert in. I was only doing what I was taught was being nice to him. he didn't know what was going on them he is only one year younger than I. Apart from my own family I had to deal with R's friends one of whom would root me when he had the chance. My mother was pretty wow. When she hit she hit hard and most of the time is was with her hand. I also remember my fathers slaps and one time a punch to the face when I was a teenager.( I was really drunk) After that he never hit me again, the look I must of given him must of been something. My mother on the other hand didn't stop until I ran away. That last time she hit me was when I was late after being sexually abuse my George McGeivren in Newman. that's a story. i GOT IN THE HOUSE AND SMELLED OF HIM AND SHE WENT CRAZY. SHE SLAPPED KICKED scratched, punched, pulled my hair. Dad had to pull her off me. I had bloody scratch marks from my ear on my right side to my chest. I had bruises on my legs and my ribs  hurt, my scalp was lucky to have some hair left. Man it's a pity she didn't fight for me like that when her sons did stuff to me. When the bullies at school tore me apart with there kicks and pushing and ignoring, I spend most of my primary school years alone. sitting in a area where teachers could see me.  I never knew how to make a nice friend then. I do now because of meeting God. I didn't know how to act in front of many people. It has taken many years to accept that I am a fairly nice person. I have very  high standards of what a family ought to be but don't actually have it myself. One thing that bothers me though is why no one wants to marry me. No one. Not even Al. He says he does and he hasn't ruled it out but that to me is a cop out and at 53 and greying I'm over waiting. I had waited oh so very long to have someone whom I loved and loved me and lives with me to make that important step and get it done and not wait of the PERFECT time. there is never a perfect time.HUmans ain't got the knowledge of perfection. laughing..
All I want now is to have a nice solar powered air-conditioned shed with a bedroom and working area for me out the back of our house in Gingin. Kitchen and all. Just want to be a happy little surprise for my children to come visit, grandees to come stay, my friends to come visit, my life to be easier to cope with and to have a place to cry or go wild in when I need the space. I would love to have a decent relationship with Trish again and Rudy. I want a love filled relationship with my children Selena and Chris again and I just want to wind down into old age trying to be the best I can. I'm a keeper ay. I know things that can help people. I can do things that will wow most. I'm happy and stable. Even though my bipolar makes me go up and down everyday I'm still a good person. laughing. Yes I do sleep a fair bit during the day cause night times are hard to let myself go into a deep sleep. Yes I am having health issues at the moment but who isn't! Hey I'm alright ok.


Going after Simon would be a easy deal if my siblings agreed to stand by me. But there is selfishness there that I can't get through or a fear of losing what they have. It would be great to have their support when I tell him of the effects of his actions have reverberated through out the whole family and the deep pains that have been hard to get to grips with and still today stop me for one to get closer to my blood. Even to releasing my all to Al has been a difficult task. I still haven't. At 53 I am still locked out. Just have to find a skeleton key won't I. Sneak in ay. laughing again.
There has only ever been one member of my family who has made a huge atonement. For him I more grateful than he will ever know.


God bless , Eye's open, watch the sky Jesus is coming.